Favourite comedy lines.

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ClaretKent
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by ClaretKent » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:23 pm

Everything I want in a football club is here. The best way to put it is that this is probably five or 10 years ahead of what we were trying to achieve at Burnley."
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thatdberight
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by thatdberight » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:27 pm

"Juicy fruit."
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ClaretKent
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by ClaretKent » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:31 pm

[Mr Hamilton running down the service at Fawlty Towers hotel in front of the guests]:
Mr Hamilton: What I'm suggesting is that this place...is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen: No! No, I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne.

And I've stayed there by accident. I would pay double it was that good/bad
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MrVmax
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by MrVmax » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:36 pm

David: I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?
Tubbs: [Looks around and counts on her fingers] Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds.
:D
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ClaretKent
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by ClaretKent » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:37 pm

FATHER: Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when I started was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So I built a another one ... that sank into the swamp. I built another one ... That fell over and THEN sank into the swamp .... So I built another ... and that stayed up. ... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in this island.

PRINCE: But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

FATHER: Rather what?

PRINCE: I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

MUSIC INTRO

FATHER: You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

Music stops.

FATHER: Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

PRINCE: I don't want land.

FATHER: Listen, Alice ...

PRINCE: Herbert.

FATHER: Herbert ... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get.

ClaretKent
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by ClaretKent » Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:49 pm

Clouseau: How could a blind man be a lookout?
Dreyfus: How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
Clouseau: Well, it's very simple...all you do is enlist and.....
Dreyfus: Shut up!

Bin Ont Turf
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bin Ont Turf » Sun Dec 03, 2017 9:39 pm

Bottom - Richie pretending to have fought in the Falkland's when talking to an actual Falkland's veteran in the pub.

Falkland's Veteran - "I took Harrison Point single handed"

Richie - "OOOHH that can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?"

Greenmile
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Greenmile » Sun Dec 03, 2017 10:08 pm

Dazzler wrote:John Sullivan probably got the idea for that gag off Roy Clarke.

https://youtu.be/hBsrBAfXGxE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Roy Clarke probably got the idea from Plutarch.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Dazzler
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Dazzler » Sun Dec 03, 2017 10:32 pm

Greenmile wrote:Roy Clarke probably got the idea from Plutarch.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Aye maybe,but plutarch wasn't a comedy writer and you don't have to be a genius to work out that anything that has had all the parts changed is not the bloody same as the original. :D

dermotdermot
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by dermotdermot » Sun Dec 03, 2017 11:00 pm

The major in Fawlty Towers: Took her to see India play at the Oval. The only thing was that, throughout the game she kept referring to to the Indians as .................

Perhaps someone can finish it for me. I can’t quite remember how it goes.
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Dazzler
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Dazzler » Sun Dec 03, 2017 11:19 pm

I'm not quite sure what it is,but everytime I see this Fawlty Towers scene It reminds of Owen Jones. :D

https://youtu.be/GI5m7DlcwNs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Hendrickxz
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Hendrickxz » Mon Dec 04, 2017 8:27 am

"I wondered who'd spot that one first!" Captain Mainwaring.

Boll ewood
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Boll ewood » Mon Dec 04, 2017 8:54 am

"Flower for the lady?" "F**k off". Brian potter
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claret59
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by claret59 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 10:21 am

Classic Les Dawson:
My wife has run off with the bloke next door, and I do miss him.

Hendrickxz
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Hendrickxz » Mon Dec 04, 2017 12:01 pm

Any time now:

Margo:"Christmas is cancelled Tom!"
Tom: "Oh, really Margo, why's that?"
Margo: "BEACAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DELIVERED IT!!!!"

iluva64
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by iluva64 » Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:01 pm

Come on Clarets, there is only one

Life of Brian

"HE'S NOT THE MESSAIH, HE'S JUST A VERY NAUGHTY BOY"
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Lancasterclaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Lancasterclaret » Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:18 pm

Pretty much all of Blackadder II

I doubt that will ever be beaten for every episode being utterly perfect.

houseboy
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by houseboy » Mon Dec 04, 2017 1:31 pm

Mrs. Richards: And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
Basil: [quietly to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [Goes to the window] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
Mrs. Richards: When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay, madam.
Mrs. Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs. Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
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tim_noone
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by tim_noone » Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:01 pm

Perfume sketch ....A long time ago when it was funny. Stan Ogden sniffing ... What's that smell love??
Hilda Ogden.woman Stanley...woman!!! She wasn't exactly Sophia Loren but that was a cracking reply.

Hipper
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Hipper » Mon Dec 04, 2017 2:31 pm

Laurel & Hardy - Blockheads.

Oliver: 'Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?'

Stan: 'well you didn't ask me.'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVLgrhG3y84" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

watch it all from 7.09 for these lines or from the beginning for an explanation.

Dazzler
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Dazzler » Mon Dec 04, 2017 11:30 pm

A Lesson From Uncle Buck:
"I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."

https://youtu.be/melkbylDIA8" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Woonderbah
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Woonderbah » Tue Dec 05, 2017 12:57 am

"The wife ran off with the milkman last weekend"
"Oh that's terrible... how are you coping ?"
"Not good... I'm having to use the powdered stuff"

Too old to be grumpy
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Too old to be grumpy » Tue Dec 05, 2017 2:00 am

Jack Duckworth filling in his pools coupon at the bar in The Rovers
Ken Barlow (I think).”Still doing the pools Jack”
“Yeah”
“Do you have a system?”
“Nah, I go off form.”
“Why don’t you use numbers that have a special meaning? Like your Vera’s vital statistics.”
“Too much of a cluster in Scottish 2nd Division”
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Clarets4me
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Clarets4me » Tue Dec 05, 2017 2:35 am

Bob Hope, hosting a show for 5,000 American soldiers in the early sixties....

" Gentlemen, may I introduce Miss Anita Ekberg.... her parents received the Nobel prize for Architecture !!
011415-anita-ekberg-lead-594.jpg
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Hipper
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Hipper » Tue Dec 05, 2017 12:43 pm

Dad's Army - We Know Our Onions.

Mainwaring, after communicating with an irate Hodges at the window, explains to Wilson what happened:

Mainwaring; 'I made it quite clear that it wasn't convenient for us to speak to him now, and he obviously got my meaning.'

Wilson; 'how do you know that Sir?'

Mainwaring; 'because he indicated that he would be back at two o'clock.'

Kiran123
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Kiran123 » Wed Nov 17, 2021 11:22 am

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

Abraham Lincoln
https://upgrademystatus.com/

Steve1956
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Nov 17, 2021 12:27 pm

Brilliant Scene from a Brilliant comedy show.
https://youtu.be/lANcZ8vhOjE

alf_resco
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by alf_resco » Wed Nov 17, 2021 12:40 pm

Laurel & Hardy

Ollie: "How did your Father die?"
Stan: "He fell through a trap-door & broke his neck."
Ollie: "That's terrible - was he looking for something in the loft?"
Stan: " No, he was being hanged."
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Bosscat
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bosscat » Wed Nov 17, 2021 12:45 pm

I say I say I say

What do you say What do you say What do you say

My Dog's got no nose

How does he smell

Blooming awful

Boom boom

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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Lancasterclaret » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:04 pm

"There is a time and space for spontaneity"

The Sure Thing 1985

dermotdermot
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by dermotdermot » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:05 pm

Testing

Silkyskills1
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Silkyskills1 » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:25 pm

'Gird yourself, Rodney' Chandelier scene in Only Fools and Horses

Sybil 'What's that racket?'
Faulty 'It's Brahms 3rd racket dear

The two psychiatrists looking at Fawlty on the floor 'There's enough material there for a conference'.

Hipper
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Hipper » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:56 pm

Bilko, Col Hall on one of his sergeants: 'One Vampire in an army of a million men and I had to get him. Why couldn't he have joined the Airforce where he belongs.'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yVqFgViPOg

Scene: 1721 onwards, quote about 2016.

Hipper
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Hipper » Wed Nov 17, 2021 1:59 pm

Capt Mainwaring on the phone to Army Stores: 'I demand you send me some bullets. How many have you got?' We don't hear the reply but Mainwaring next says 'what all?'

NottsClaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by NottsClaret » Wed Nov 17, 2021 2:19 pm

From Cheers..

Frasier: "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin.. MD, PhD, EDD, APA."

Woody: "Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds."
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dermotdermot
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by dermotdermot » Wed Nov 17, 2021 2:59 pm

Thank you, mods, for your subtle editing. As soon as I saw it in print I thought, hang on, but, instead of cancelling, I accidentally submitted. I did try to delete but was unable to do so. Very clever editing though.

dermotdermot
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by dermotdermot » Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:01 pm

How did clarets4me nick my picture of Anita Ekberg by the way?

IanMcL
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by IanMcL » Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:03 pm

Frank Muir and Dennis Norden

"I am considering becoming a vegetarian"

"You can't just live on sausages"

jedi_master
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by jedi_master » Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:08 pm

Ray Stantz:
Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.

Walter Peck:
They caused an explosion!

Mayor:
Is this true?

Peter Venkman:
Yes it's true. This man has no dick.

elwaclaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by elwaclaret » Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:17 pm

After a stormy meeting on the floor Clement Attlee was at the urinals when Winston Churchill entered the ‘men’s room’ and walked to the furthest urinal from Attlee; “Come on Winston, I know it got heated in there but surely you aren’t taking it personally?”
Winston smiled, “Not at all Clement, but every time you see anything big that works well you want to nationalise it.”

To lady Attlee on another occasion,”Lady Attlee would you sleep with me for £50?”
“Don’t be silly Winston”
“What about £100?”
“Winston what kind of woman do you take me for?”
“I’m sorry, I thought that had been established and we were merely haggling over price.”

“Winston you are drunk!”
“Quite right my Lady; however, in the morning I will be sober you however will still be ugly”

Vintage Claret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Vintage Claret » Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:26 pm

Mrs Merton ( Caroline Aherne) to Debbie McGee..

"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
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Burt
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Burt » Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:28 pm

Partridge air guitar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VokAbAfTfCc

Great tune too!
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elwaclaret
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by elwaclaret » Wed Nov 17, 2021 4:12 pm

Vintage Claret wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:26 pm
Mrs Merton ( Caroline Aherne) to Debbie McGee..

"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
To Floyd “Do you think up you could cook without drinking?”
Floyd,”Of course, but I’d have to be ****** before I would eat it.”

BenWickes
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by BenWickes » Wed Nov 17, 2021 4:37 pm

Del: One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.

Rodney:
It's canard.

Del:
You can say that again bruv!
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superdimitri
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by superdimitri » Wed Nov 17, 2021 4:58 pm

Owen Coyle: 10 years ahead.

andyh
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by andyh » Wed Nov 17, 2021 5:18 pm

Ted:"Would you like your pizza cut into 6 or 8 slices Dougal?" Dougal: "Oh just 6, I don't think I could eat 8."

Zom Zom
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Zom Zom » Wed Nov 17, 2021 5:23 pm

Burt wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:28 pm
Partridge air guitar

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VokAbAfTfCc

Great tune too!
Gary Numan, Music for Chameleons :D

Eyres_11
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Eyres_11 » Wed Nov 17, 2021 5:28 pm

"Have you had any trouble passing water Mr Trotter?

DB - "I once had a dizzy spell on tower bridge"

Cirrus_Minor
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Cirrus_Minor » Wed Nov 17, 2021 8:01 pm

Likely Lads

Rodney approaches Terry who is fishing in the canal whilst drinking a can. Terry says, "I would let you have one only I've only got six"

Bosscat
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.

Post by Bosscat » Wed Nov 17, 2021 8:07 pm

dermotdermot wrote:
Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:01 pm
How did clarets4me nick my picture of Anita Ekberg by the way?
He sent his cat round to distract you 😉

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