Hello FF. Good to have you back
Favourite comedy lines.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Have you looked at the date of his post Ian buddy someone resurrected the thread
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Tommy Cooper was about to perform at a theatre but the power was out. The audience sat in the dark. Tommy walks into the stage, the audience hear his footsteps but can’t see him. He says nothing.
They start to giggle, and he still says nothing.
For 10 minutes he stands there. The audience in full laughter now. And then he speaks....
“It’s dark in here!”
They start to giggle, and he still says nothing.
For 10 minutes he stands there. The audience in full laughter now. And then he speaks....
“It’s dark in here!”
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
On leaving a boring party, Groucho Marx was asked by the hostess whether he'd enjoyed his evening. The reply was typically Groucho:
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it"
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
The funniest line on this threadClaretKent wrote: ↑Sun Dec 03, 2017 8:23 pmEverything I want in a football club is here. The best way to put it is that this is probably five or 10 years ahead of what we were trying to achieve at Burnley
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Rik. Neil, do you need the light on when you are in the bath?
Neil. Well yeah
Rik. What you planning to do, photosynthesise
Neil. Well yeah
Rik. What you planning to do, photosynthesise
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Brian Potter : "Two words, Jurry. Investment."
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
I’ve just realised that it wasn’t edited at all. I wrote that myself nearly four years ago. I was obviously a lot more careful then.dermotdermot wrote: ↑Wed Nov 17, 2021 2:59 pmThank you, mods, for your subtle editing. As soon as I saw it in print I thought, hang on, but, instead of cancelling, I accidentally submitted. I did try to delete but was unable to do so. Very clever editing though.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
They may say she died of a burst left ventricle, but I know she died of a broken heart. - Abe Simpson
From this day forward I shall be known as Homer Jay Simpson. Homer J Simpson on discovering what the J stood for.
From this day forward I shall be known as Homer Jay Simpson. Homer J Simpson on discovering what the J stood for.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
A few from Family Guy that had me laughing this week:
Peter - "Men aren’t fat. Only fat women are fat.”
Lois - "Peter, I'm pregnant"
Peter - "Oh... Are you sure it's yours?"
Brian - "Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?"
Peter- "I’ll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that’s who."
Peter - "How can I be a DJ? I’m just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image."
Quagmire - "Trust me, you’re perfect!"
Peter - "Men aren’t fat. Only fat women are fat.”
Lois - "Peter, I'm pregnant"
Peter - "Oh... Are you sure it's yours?"
Brian - "Seriously, who buys a novelty fire extinguisher?"
Peter- "I’ll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family into serious danger, that’s who."
Peter - "How can I be a DJ? I’m just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image."
Quagmire - "Trust me, you’re perfect!"
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
From Cheers, something like this:
Norm to Sam, on dating a women after many 'happy' years with the lovely Vera; 'have there been any new developments in women's under garments in recent years?'
Norm to Sam, on dating a women after many 'happy' years with the lovely Vera; 'have there been any new developments in women's under garments in recent years?'
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
A couple of Frank Drebin quotes from Police Squad:
"We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then''
and
"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith".
"We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then''
and
"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith".
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
They used to call me David Dick Meadow at school,from Cockfields good watch if you haven’t seen it.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Lt. Frank Drebin : Now, Jane, what can you tell us about the man you saw last night?
Jane Spencer : He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken : Caucasian?
Jane Spencer : Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Lt. Frank Drebin : Awfully big moustache.
Mayor:
Drebin, I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the southside. Understand? That's my policy.
Frank:
Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.
Mayor:
That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones!
Jane Spencer : He's Caucasian.
Ed Hocken : Caucasian?
Jane Spencer : Yeah, you know, a white guy. A moustache. About six-foot-three.
Lt. Frank Drebin : Awfully big moustache.
Mayor:
Drebin, I don't want any more trouble like you had last year on the southside. Understand? That's my policy.
Frank:
Yes. Well, when I see 5 weirdos dressed in togas stabbing a guy in the middle of the park in full view of 100 people, I shoot the bastards. That's my policy.
Mayor:
That was a Shakespeare in the Park production of Julius Caesar, you moron! You killed 5 actors! Good ones!
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
https://youtu.be/UAeqVGP-GPM
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here!
This is the war room!
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here!
This is the war room!
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
David Brent "i think there's been a rape up there!"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
One of these days son all of this will be yours..
What ... the Curtains.
https://youtu.be/9lCIh2aCH_o
What ... the Curtains.
https://youtu.be/9lCIh2aCH_o
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
“Nice Beaver” which to my credit I managed to use in a bar in FranceGrimsdale wrote: ↑Thu Nov 18, 2021 9:03 amA couple of Frank Drebin quotes from Police Squad:
"We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then''
and
"Who are you and how did you get in here?"
"I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith".
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
“Blackburn Rovers 0-7 Fulham” had me in stitches
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
And i managed to squeeze in, from The Life of Brian, "20 Sheckels, you must be mad" when buying my son a small bongo drum from one of the bazaars in Jerusalem a few years back.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
"I prefer larger knickers. You can boil wash the gussets."
Lilly Savage.
Lilly Savage.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Denise Royal, "mam , where were you when you met me dad?"
Jim Royal interupts, "I don't remember, but I bet the bloody immersion heater had been left on!"
Jim Royal interupts, "I don't remember, but I bet the bloody immersion heater had been left on!"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
A Dads Army episode 'The Day the Balloon went up' Mainwaring drags the platoon up to the church bell tower after the vicar claimed one of his men wrote something very rude on the back of his spare harmonium and in order to prove his men are innocent Mainwaring decides a hand writing test would satisfy the criteria. Now whatever was written leads you to believe it had some sexually explicit content and Mainwaring turns to Corporal Jones and says "have you done that" then the look on Jonesey's face was fantastic as he replied "do you mean recently" brilliant cast.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
From the Monty python argument sketch...
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Man: I came here for a good argument.
Mr. Vibrating: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
Man: An argument isn't just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: It can be.
Man: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr. Vibrating: No it isn't.
Man: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
Mr. Vibrating: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
Man: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
Mr. Vibrating: Yes it is!
Man: No it isn't!
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Christmas special porridge 1975 Fletcher in hospital bed eating his christmas dinner after "foiling" a prison breakout ....an inebriated Mckay offers Fletcher a bottle of whiskey to tell him where the spoil from the tunnel went......Fletcher tells him that they dug another tunnel and put it in there ........Mckay turns away happily and then realises....classic porridge!
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Inspector Clouseau: Does your dog bite?
Hotel clerk: No
*Inspector Clouseau pets the dog and gets bitten*
Inspector Clouseau: I thought you said your dog didn't bite!
Hotel clerk: That is not my dog.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXn2QVipK2o
Hotel clerk: No
*Inspector Clouseau pets the dog and gets bitten*
Inspector Clouseau: I thought you said your dog didn't bite!
Hotel clerk: That is not my dog.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SXn2QVipK2o
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
A couple of OFAH lines that come to mind.
(Del & Trigger are trying to get into a council tip):
Del: You said it was open twenty four hours a day.
Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!
Rodney: I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
Del: What principle?
Rodney: Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
(Del & Trigger are trying to get into a council tip):
Del: You said it was open twenty four hours a day.
Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!
Rodney: I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.
Del: What principle?
Rodney: Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
—Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
There's probably loads from Porridge, but I can't recall them off the top of my head, however one which does stick in my mind is this quote by Fletch.iowalan wrote: ↑Thu Nov 18, 2021 7:38 pmChristmas special porridge 1975 Fletcher in hospital bed eating his christmas dinner after "foiling" a prison breakout ....an inebriated Mckay offers Fletcher a bottle of whiskey to tell him where the spoil from the tunnel went......Fletcher tells him that they dug another tunnel and put it in there ........Mckay turns away happily and then realises....classic porridge!
Fletch (to some of the inmates): "I don't quite know how to put this, gentlemen, but there is a thief among us".
Always has me in stitches no matter how many times I watch it.
Can't remember which episode It's from either, perhaps the one with the tin of pineapple chunks disappearing from the kitchen at a guess.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Groucho Marx , negotiating a contract with Chicho:
"It's OK, that's in every contract. Its called a sanity clause"
Chicho: "Ha ha! Now I know you're fooling...everyone knows there ain't no sanity clause."
"It's OK, that's in every contract. Its called a sanity clause"
Chicho: "Ha ha! Now I know you're fooling...everyone knows there ain't no sanity clause."
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Phoenix nights
“My grandads this, shot a German with this”
“What in the war?”
“No in Benidorm they had a row over a sun lounger”
“My grandads this, shot a German with this”
“What in the war?”
“No in Benidorm they had a row over a sun lounger”
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Peter Cook (interviewing one-legged job applicant, Dudley Moore for a job as a Runner):
"I've got nothing at all against your left leg....the trouble is - neither have you!"
"I've got nothing at all against your left leg....the trouble is - neither have you!"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Tommy Cooper joke : man - "doctor why don't people seem to like me" ..doctor-"Next".
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
It is so difficult to convey the humour when you need a full context of the situation. Most often, these have a 'backstory' and unless you are familiar with the characters or the story it gets lost in translation.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Sally Phillips: “Tosser?”
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Father Ted to Dougal trying to explain perspective and distance holding a toy cow, small....far away.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Catchphrases from comedies from the 70’s, that I still use regularly
“Have you been Walter?”
“ Magic our Morris”
“You are Awful, but I like you”
But can any of our more senior contributors name the programmes?
“Have you been Walter?”
“ Magic our Morris”
“You are Awful, but I like you”
But can any of our more senior contributors name the programmes?
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Nearest and Dearest (Hilda Baker )
Oh no its Selwyn Froggitt (Bill Maynard)
Dick Emery Show
Oh no its Selwyn Froggitt (Bill Maynard)
Dick Emery Show
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Basil Fawlty - "Well, what did you expect to see from a Torquay hotel window? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon perhaps? A herd of wildebeest streaming across the Savannah...?"
Kryten - "They've taken Mr Rimmer. Sir! They've taken Mr Rimmer!"
The Cat - "Quick! Let's get outta here before they bring him back!"
Kryten - "They've taken Mr Rimmer. Sir! They've taken Mr Rimmer!"
The Cat - "Quick! Let's get outta here before they bring him back!"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Another from Red Dwarf
Rimmer - "Kryten, move us up to red alert."
Kryten - "Red alert, sir? Are you sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
Rimmer - "Kryten, move us up to red alert."
Kryten - "Red alert, sir? Are you sure? It does mean changing the bulb."
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
"Crime can't crack itself!"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Peter Griffin - "I'm thinking plastic surgery. I need a new butt, this one's got a crack in it!"
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Can’t beat a bit of burnistoun back in the day. These guys were the writers for chewin the fat and Still Game
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MdXe0I38_9w
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=MdXe0I38_9w
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
The Blood Doner
"A pint! Why thats very nearly an arm full!!"
"A pint! Why thats very nearly an arm full!!"