Favourite comedy lines.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Everything I want in a football club is here. The best way to put it is that this is probably five or 10 years ahead of what we were trying to achieve at Burnley."
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
[Mr Hamilton running down the service at Fawlty Towers hotel in front of the guests]:
Mr Hamilton: What I'm suggesting is that this place...is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen: No! No, I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne.
And I've stayed there by accident. I would pay double it was that good/bad
Mr Hamilton: What I'm suggesting is that this place...is the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen: No! No, I won't have that! There's a place in Eastbourne.
And I've stayed there by accident. I would pay double it was that good/bad
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
David: I'd like to buy it all. Everything in the shop. How much would that be?
Tubbs: [Looks around and counts on her fingers] Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds.
Tubbs: [Looks around and counts on her fingers] Well, that's, er, seven and twelfty pounds.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
FATHER: Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing. All I had when I started was swamp ... other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So I built a another one ... that sank into the swamp. I built another one ... That fell over and THEN sank into the swamp .... So I built another ... and that stayed up. ... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in this island.
PRINCE: But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...
FATHER: Rather what?
PRINCE: I'd rather ... just ... sing ...
MUSIC INTRO
FATHER: You're not going to do a song while I'm here!
Music stops.
FATHER: Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
PRINCE: I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alice ...
PRINCE: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert ... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get.
PRINCE: But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...
FATHER: Rather what?
PRINCE: I'd rather ... just ... sing ...
MUSIC INTRO
FATHER: You're not going to do a song while I'm here!
Music stops.
FATHER: Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.
PRINCE: I don't want land.
FATHER: Listen, Alice ...
PRINCE: Herbert.
FATHER: Herbert ... We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all the land we can get.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Clouseau: How could a blind man be a lookout?
Dreyfus: How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
Clouseau: Well, it's very simple...all you do is enlist and.....
Dreyfus: Shut up!
Dreyfus: How can an idiot be a policeman? Answer me that!
Clouseau: Well, it's very simple...all you do is enlist and.....
Dreyfus: Shut up!
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Bottom - Richie pretending to have fought in the Falkland's when talking to an actual Falkland's veteran in the pub.
Falkland's Veteran - "I took Harrison Point single handed"
Richie - "OOOHH that can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?"
Falkland's Veteran - "I took Harrison Point single handed"
Richie - "OOOHH that can be nasty. I shut Tucker's finger in the tank door, didn't I Eddie?"
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Roy Clarke probably got the idea from Plutarch.Dazzler wrote:John Sullivan probably got the idea for that gag off Roy Clarke.
https://youtu.be/hBsrBAfXGxE" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Aye maybe,but plutarch wasn't a comedy writer and you don't have to be a genius to work out that anything that has had all the parts changed is not the bloody same as the original.Greenmile wrote:Roy Clarke probably got the idea from Plutarch.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
The major in Fawlty Towers: Took her to see India play at the Oval. The only thing was that, throughout the game she kept referring to to the Indians as .................
Perhaps someone can finish it for me. I can’t quite remember how it goes.
Perhaps someone can finish it for me. I can’t quite remember how it goes.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
I'm not quite sure what it is,but everytime I see this Fawlty Towers scene It reminds of Owen Jones.
https://youtu.be/GI5m7DlcwNs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
https://youtu.be/GI5m7DlcwNs" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
"I wondered who'd spot that one first!" Captain Mainwaring.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
"Flower for the lady?" "F**k off". Brian potter
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Classic Les Dawson:
My wife has run off with the bloke next door, and I do miss him.
My wife has run off with the bloke next door, and I do miss him.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Any time now:
Margo:"Christmas is cancelled Tom!"
Tom: "Oh, really Margo, why's that?"
Margo: "BEACAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DELIVERED IT!!!!"
Margo:"Christmas is cancelled Tom!"
Tom: "Oh, really Margo, why's that?"
Margo: "BEACAUSE THEY HAVEN'T DELIVERED IT!!!!"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Come on Clarets, there is only one
Life of Brian
"HE'S NOT THE MESSAIH, HE'S JUST A VERY NAUGHTY BOY"
Life of Brian
"HE'S NOT THE MESSAIH, HE'S JUST A VERY NAUGHTY BOY"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Pretty much all of Blackadder II
I doubt that will ever be beaten for every episode being utterly perfect.
I doubt that will ever be beaten for every episode being utterly perfect.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Mrs. Richards: And another thing. I booked a room with a view.
Basil: [quietly to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [Goes to the window] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
Mrs. Richards: When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay, madam.
Mrs. Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs. Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
Basil: [quietly to Manuel] Deaf, mad, and blind. [Goes to the window] Yes, this is the view as I remember it, yes, yes, this is it.
Mrs. Richards: When I pay for a room with a view, I expect something more interesting than that.
Basil: That is Torquay, madam.
Mrs. Richards: Well it's not good enough.
Basil: Well, may I ask what you expected to see out of a Torquay hotel bedroom window? Sydney Opera House, perhaps? The Hanging Gardens of Babylon? Herds of wildebeest sweeping majestically...?
Mrs. Richards: Don't be silly. I expect to be able to see the sea.
Basil: You can see the sea. It's over there between the land and the sky.
Mrs. Richards: I'd need a telescope to see that.
Basil: Well, then, may I suggest you move to a hotel nearer the sea? [mutters] Or preferably in it.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Perfume sketch ....A long time ago when it was funny. Stan Ogden sniffing ... What's that smell love??
Hilda Ogden.woman Stanley...woman!!! She wasn't exactly Sophia Loren but that was a cracking reply.
Hilda Ogden.woman Stanley...woman!!! She wasn't exactly Sophia Loren but that was a cracking reply.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Laurel & Hardy - Blockheads.
Oliver: 'Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?'
Stan: 'well you didn't ask me.'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVLgrhG3y84" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
watch it all from 7.09 for these lines or from the beginning for an explanation.
Oliver: 'Why didn't you tell me you had two legs?'
Stan: 'well you didn't ask me.'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FVLgrhG3y84" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
watch it all from 7.09 for these lines or from the beginning for an explanation.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
A Lesson From Uncle Buck:
"I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."
https://youtu.be/melkbylDIA8" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
"I don't think I want to know a six-year-old who isn't a dreamer, or a sillyheart. And I sure don't want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don't have a college degree. I don't even have a job. But I know a good kid when I see one. Because they're ALL good kids, until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they're no good. You so much as scowl at my niece, or any other kid in this school, and I hear about it, I'm coming looking for you! Take this quarter, go downtown, and have a rat gnaw that thing off your face! Good day to you, madam."
https://youtu.be/melkbylDIA8" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
"The wife ran off with the milkman last weekend"
"Oh that's terrible... how are you coping ?"
"Not good... I'm having to use the powdered stuff"
"Oh that's terrible... how are you coping ?"
"Not good... I'm having to use the powdered stuff"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Jack Duckworth filling in his pools coupon at the bar in The Rovers
Ken Barlow (I think).”Still doing the pools Jack”
“Yeah”
“Do you have a system?”
“Nah, I go off form.”
“Why don’t you use numbers that have a special meaning? Like your Vera’s vital statistics.”
“Too much of a cluster in Scottish 2nd Division”
Ken Barlow (I think).”Still doing the pools Jack”
“Yeah”
“Do you have a system?”
“Nah, I go off form.”
“Why don’t you use numbers that have a special meaning? Like your Vera’s vital statistics.”
“Too much of a cluster in Scottish 2nd Division”
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Bob Hope, hosting a show for 5,000 American soldiers in the early sixties....
" Gentlemen, may I introduce Miss Anita Ekberg.... her parents received the Nobel prize for Architecture !!
" Gentlemen, may I introduce Miss Anita Ekberg.... her parents received the Nobel prize for Architecture !!
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Dad's Army - We Know Our Onions.
Mainwaring, after communicating with an irate Hodges at the window, explains to Wilson what happened:
Mainwaring; 'I made it quite clear that it wasn't convenient for us to speak to him now, and he obviously got my meaning.'
Wilson; 'how do you know that Sir?'
Mainwaring; 'because he indicated that he would be back at two o'clock.'
Mainwaring, after communicating with an irate Hodges at the window, explains to Wilson what happened:
Mainwaring; 'I made it quite clear that it wasn't convenient for us to speak to him now, and he obviously got my meaning.'
Wilson; 'how do you know that Sir?'
Mainwaring; 'because he indicated that he would be back at two o'clock.'
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln
https://upgrademystatus.com/
Abraham Lincoln
https://upgrademystatus.com/
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Brilliant Scene from a Brilliant comedy show.
https://youtu.be/lANcZ8vhOjE
https://youtu.be/lANcZ8vhOjE
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Laurel & Hardy
Ollie: "How did your Father die?"
Stan: "He fell through a trap-door & broke his neck."
Ollie: "That's terrible - was he looking for something in the loft?"
Stan: " No, he was being hanged."
Ollie: "How did your Father die?"
Stan: "He fell through a trap-door & broke his neck."
Ollie: "That's terrible - was he looking for something in the loft?"
Stan: " No, he was being hanged."
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
I say I say I say
What do you say What do you say What do you say
My Dog's got no nose
How does he smell
Blooming awful
Boom boom
What do you say What do you say What do you say
My Dog's got no nose
How does he smell
Blooming awful
Boom boom
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
"There is a time and space for spontaneity"
The Sure Thing 1985
The Sure Thing 1985
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Testing
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
'Gird yourself, Rodney' Chandelier scene in Only Fools and Horses
Sybil 'What's that racket?'
Faulty 'It's Brahms 3rd racket dear
The two psychiatrists looking at Fawlty on the floor 'There's enough material there for a conference'.
Sybil 'What's that racket?'
Faulty 'It's Brahms 3rd racket dear
The two psychiatrists looking at Fawlty on the floor 'There's enough material there for a conference'.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Bilko, Col Hall on one of his sergeants: 'One Vampire in an army of a million men and I had to get him. Why couldn't he have joined the Airforce where he belongs.'
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yVqFgViPOg
Scene: 1721 onwards, quote about 2016.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yVqFgViPOg
Scene: 1721 onwards, quote about 2016.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Capt Mainwaring on the phone to Army Stores: 'I demand you send me some bullets. How many have you got?' We don't hear the reply but Mainwaring next says 'what all?'
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
From Cheers..
Frasier: "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin.. MD, PhD, EDD, APA."
Woody: "Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds."
Frasier: "Everyone, I'd like you to meet my date, Dr. Lilith Sternin.. MD, PhD, EDD, APA."
Woody: "Boy, it sure isn't spelled like it sounds."
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Thank you, mods, for your subtle editing. As soon as I saw it in print I thought, hang on, but, instead of cancelling, I accidentally submitted. I did try to delete but was unable to do so. Very clever editing though.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
How did clarets4me nick my picture of Anita Ekberg by the way?
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Frank Muir and Dennis Norden
"I am considering becoming a vegetarian"
"You can't just live on sausages"
"I am considering becoming a vegetarian"
"You can't just live on sausages"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Ray Stantz:
Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck:
They caused an explosion!
Mayor:
Is this true?
Peter Venkman:
Yes it's true. This man has no dick.
Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck:
They caused an explosion!
Mayor:
Is this true?
Peter Venkman:
Yes it's true. This man has no dick.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
After a stormy meeting on the floor Clement Attlee was at the urinals when Winston Churchill entered the ‘men’s room’ and walked to the furthest urinal from Attlee; “Come on Winston, I know it got heated in there but surely you aren’t taking it personally?”
Winston smiled, “Not at all Clement, but every time you see anything big that works well you want to nationalise it.”
To lady Attlee on another occasion,”Lady Attlee would you sleep with me for £50?”
“Don’t be silly Winston”
“What about £100?”
“Winston what kind of woman do you take me for?”
“I’m sorry, I thought that had been established and we were merely haggling over price.”
“Winston you are drunk!”
“Quite right my Lady; however, in the morning I will be sober you however will still be ugly”
Winston smiled, “Not at all Clement, but every time you see anything big that works well you want to nationalise it.”
To lady Attlee on another occasion,”Lady Attlee would you sleep with me for £50?”
“Don’t be silly Winston”
“What about £100?”
“Winston what kind of woman do you take me for?”
“I’m sorry, I thought that had been established and we were merely haggling over price.”
“Winston you are drunk!”
“Quite right my Lady; however, in the morning I will be sober you however will still be ugly”
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Mrs Merton ( Caroline Aherne) to Debbie McGee..
"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
To Floyd “Do you think up you could cook without drinking?”Vintage Claret wrote: ↑Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:26 pmMrs Merton ( Caroline Aherne) to Debbie McGee..
"So, Debbie, what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
Floyd,”Of course, but I’d have to be ****** before I would eat it.”
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Del: One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.
Rodney:
It's canard.
Del:
You can say that again bruv!
Rodney:
It's canard.
Del:
You can say that again bruv!
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Owen Coyle: 10 years ahead.
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Ted:"Would you like your pizza cut into 6 or 8 slices Dougal?" Dougal: "Oh just 6, I don't think I could eat 8."
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Gary Numan, Music for ChameleonsBurt wrote: ↑Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:28 pmPartridge air guitar
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VokAbAfTfCc
Great tune too!
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
"Have you had any trouble passing water Mr Trotter?
DB - "I once had a dizzy spell on tower bridge"
DB - "I once had a dizzy spell on tower bridge"
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Re: Favourite comedy lines.
Likely Lads
Rodney approaches Terry who is fishing in the canal whilst drinking a can. Terry says, "I would let you have one only I've only got six"
Rodney approaches Terry who is fishing in the canal whilst drinking a can. Terry says, "I would let you have one only I've only got six"
Re: Favourite comedy lines.
He sent his cat round to distract youdermotdermot wrote: ↑Wed Nov 17, 2021 3:01 pmHow did clarets4me nick my picture of Anita Ekberg by the way?