Festive Funnies

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DukeOfBar
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Festive Funnies

Post by DukeOfBar » Sun Dec 19, 2021 6:53 pm

With little football for at least this week, let's have your festive funnies and crimbo cringers...?? I'll start:

Just picked up a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi for Christmas, it's great, it comes with Aldi Kings Horses and Aldi Kings men... :lol:
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elwaclaret
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by elwaclaret » Sun Dec 19, 2021 7:04 pm

I feel sorry for the dyslexic Elf who sold his soul to Satan.

DukeOfBar
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by DukeOfBar » Sun Dec 19, 2021 7:29 pm

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Red Fox Rocks Socks
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Red Fox Rocks Socks » Sun Dec 19, 2021 7:41 pm

Why does Santa have such a big sack?

Because he only comes once a year
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ClaretMov
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by ClaretMov » Sun Dec 19, 2021 8:11 pm

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Vintage Claret
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Vintage Claret » Sun Dec 19, 2021 8:13 pm

I bought a Travelodge advent calendar.

There is chocolates in it but you can't open any of the windows.

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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by minnieclaret » Sun Dec 19, 2021 8:25 pm

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minnieclaret
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by minnieclaret » Sun Dec 19, 2021 8:27 pm

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minnieclaret
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by minnieclaret » Sun Dec 19, 2021 8:27 pm

my favourite.
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Bosscat
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Bosscat » Sun Dec 19, 2021 8:32 pm

DukeOfBar wrote:
Sun Dec 19, 2021 6:53 pm
With little football for at least this week, let's have your festive funnies and crimbo cringers...?? I'll start:

Just picked up a Humpty Dumpty toy from Aldi for Christmas, it's great, it comes with Aldi Kings Horses and Aldi Kings men... :lol:
We nipped up the road and got a Lidl Donkey

KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Mon Dec 20, 2021 3:20 pm

:arrow:
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GodIsADeeJay81
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by GodIsADeeJay81 » Mon Dec 20, 2021 3:52 pm

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Bazer1882
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Bazer1882 » Mon Dec 20, 2021 4:07 pm

Just bought the wife a wooden leg for christmas🥳
It's not her main present.
Just a stocking filler😡

eastanglianclaret
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by eastanglianclaret » Mon Dec 20, 2021 4:41 pm

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aclaretinstevenage
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by aclaretinstevenage » Mon Dec 20, 2021 5:13 pm

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KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Tue Dec 21, 2021 2:40 pm

today's try as we get closer to the big day :)
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KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Tue Dec 21, 2021 8:39 pm

last one for today and two left for Thursday & Friday each.
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DukeOfBar
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by DukeOfBar » Tue Dec 21, 2021 10:40 pm

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steve_f
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by steve_f » Wed Dec 22, 2021 10:13 am

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KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Wed Dec 22, 2021 3:57 pm

:arrow:
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Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Dec 22, 2021 7:28 pm

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Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Dec 22, 2021 7:28 pm

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KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Wed Dec 22, 2021 10:08 pm

:arrow:
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KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Thu Dec 23, 2021 1:46 pm

:arrow:
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Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Thu Dec 23, 2021 3:00 pm

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I think I better inform the wife.

KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Thu Dec 23, 2021 11:40 pm

:arrow:
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Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Thu Dec 23, 2021 11:41 pm

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Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Fri Dec 24, 2021 11:23 am

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KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Fri Dec 24, 2021 1:00 pm

:arrow:
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KateR
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by KateR » Fri Dec 24, 2021 6:13 pm

Last one from me (can hear the clapping form here) save the best for last was what my father taught me lol

Merry Christmas everyone wanting a laugh :)
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Bosscat
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Bosscat » Wed Dec 29, 2021 4:52 pm

It is just before Scotland v England in the Euro’s Group game.
Kane goes into the English changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're shite and we can't be bothered".

Kane looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Kane goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the English team go off for a few pints. After a few jars they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "England 1 - Scotland 0 (Kane 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "England 1 (Kane 10 minutes) - Scotland 1"(Mcginn 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.

"I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down...

I got sent off after 12 minutes"
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minnieclaret
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by minnieclaret » Wed Dec 29, 2021 10:30 pm

One from Billy Connolly I’ve just read, tickled me.

“A mate of mine told me he is shagging his girlfriend and her twin”
I said “How can you tell them apart?”
He said, “Her brother has a moustache”

Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Dec 29, 2021 10:31 pm

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Bosscat
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Bosscat » Wed Dec 29, 2021 10:35 pm

A rather rich Yorkshireman is mourning the loss of his pet Whippet Freddie.

He decides to have it memorialized by getting a statue made of it.
He goes into a jewellers with at photo and asks for a gold statue of his beloved whippets likeness.

The jeweler asks him, "Do you want it 18 carat?"

He replies, "No, I want it chewin a bone, yer daft bugger!"
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Bosscat
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Bosscat » Fri Dec 31, 2021 5:36 pm

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Bosscat
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Bosscat » Mon Jan 03, 2022 12:22 pm

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Bosscat
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Bosscat » Sat Jan 15, 2022 8:33 pm

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HahaYeah
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by HahaYeah » Sat Jan 15, 2022 8:39 pm

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HahaYeah
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by HahaYeah » Thu Jan 20, 2022 1:39 am

Image

steve_f
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by steve_f » Fri Feb 04, 2022 7:41 pm

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Roosterbooster
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Roosterbooster » Fri Feb 04, 2022 9:37 pm

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HahaYeah
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by HahaYeah » Fri Feb 04, 2022 10:23 pm

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HahaYeah
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by HahaYeah » Sat Feb 12, 2022 12:30 pm

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Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Feb 16, 2022 12:06 pm

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What a great idea...😄

Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Feb 16, 2022 4:30 pm

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Stickers
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Stickers » Wed Feb 16, 2022 5:08 pm

Oh the grand old Duke of York,
He borrowed 12 million quid,
He gave it away to someone he never met,
For something he never did.

timshorts
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by timshorts » Wed Feb 16, 2022 5:15 pm

Stickers wrote:
Wed Feb 16, 2022 5:08 pm
Oh the grand old Duke of York,
He borrowed 12 million quid,
He gave it away to someone he never met,
For something he never did.
And when he was up, he was [not up because he had never met her so there can have been no penetration]
And when the was down he was [past caring as he knew that he wasn't going to have to pay it out of his own pocket]
And when he was only halfway up he was [stripped of all his unearned titles and patronage so with luck that is the last that we will ever have to hear of him]

Steve1956
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Re: Festive Funnies

Post by Steve1956 » Wed Feb 16, 2022 6:17 pm

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